Turn that smile upside down – the perils of going ‘in-house’
Classic verses Sparkling
Sometimes when you think you’re doing a great job for your brand, you might actually be doing the opposite. Here’s a true story:
I bravely went to the dentist a few weeks ago.
Well I had to - I’d lost a filling.
Sadly my dentist is no longer one of those old school family-run dental businesses, it got swallowed up by one of those corporate dental conglomerates when my old dentist finally retired. The new owner’s overt Dentistry-For-Profit ethos, and alarming obsession with all things pastel (‘I’m here to see a bloody dentist, of course I’m not CALM!’) fills me with dread – I much preferred it when dentists were only interested in the business of mouth-related problem solving, where local reputation and profits were nothing more that a happy by-product.
But needs very much must.
After being a brave boy and surviving my ordeal at the hands of the latest Rent-A-Drill dentist (why is it never the same person twice?) I decided I needed a flipping reward.
I’d book to see the hygienist.
Two reasons – she’s very professional/thorough, and I did drink a LOT more coffee than normal during 2020.
So I asked at reception if I could make a booking to see her.
Then it happened:
“Would you like the Classic or the Sparkling?”
I did a double-take. Was she talking about…bottled water? I mean I’m going to have my teeth cleaned and polished, so what’s the difference between a Classic polish, and a Sparkling polish? Glitter perhaps?
I politely asked what’s the difference.
“One is £50, the other is £80.”
Ah the fiscal imperative, front and centre once more. And I’m still none the wiser.
Of course, with my work hat on, I could only conclude that this was the work of the in-house marketing department, who otherwise keep themselves busy by cranking out pastel coloured A3 posters for the waiting room (I counted 20 different ones - and always, regardless of the message, featuring absurdly attractive people with big goofy smiles). They had been presented with a marketing problem: we have two levels of service to offer, but we want to make them both sound good.
So they did.
And I’m sure it all resulted in High-5s and a group hug.
Clearly at no point did they ever think about the customer perspective. THEY know the difference between the two options but we, the great unwashed, simply don't.
But what’s wrong with framing this sort of thing along the lines of Basic, Better, Best? Not sexy enough for you? That would be using simple, unequivocal, inwardly-digestible language, and we the customer might actually know what we were buying (and could easily recognise that there was a pricing hierarchy at play).
And, more importantly, it would change the dynamics of the transaction too – I’d be buying, not being sold to.
Yes, I’d be in charge of the transaction. That feels better. Believe me, whatever business you’re in, customers like that sensation.
I’m sure Team Pastel likes to think they have both a very productive/capable in-house marketing team (by volume of A3 posters alone), and a very strong brand, but that’s the strange thing about brands – despite their best efforts, companies don’t get to choose how they are perceived. We do. And that invariably comes down to the first-hand customer experience.
And yet THAT’S where they decided to ‘have a bash at it themselves’.
It’s mildly depressing, but fixable.
And who knows, with a little help they might actually be able to turn those customer frowns upside down.
PS. After interrogating the receptionist for a full 5 minutes, I went for the £80 ‘Sparkling’ option. What do you think I am, a savage?